Journey to freedom from pain

She did not see any possibility of justice for an 'outsider' like herself in the court of God, human society. His journey was in no way different from that of an existential traveler on the brink of despair towards an uncertain destination and with no final destination.

The 'outsider's statement' was, in fact, a mass of questions. The answer was no. It was a document of loneliness and aimlessness in life. The document, in which life is viewed more in relation to darkness than to light, seemed to be a Nepali continuation of the thinking of existentialists like Kafka and Camus. It was also impossible for the reader to imagine the defeat or victory of the outsider who played directly with creation, life, death and God. However, the joy and pleasure of the poetic and thrilling conflict was easily experienced by everyone.

About 17 years after the publication of that book, Momila's next fine essay-book has come out 'Questions still remain...'. Again, the book has not given any answers to the questions related to the meaning and importance of life, but it has changed the perspective of life. The questions raised here are not really questions, they are 'rhetorical questions', and within the question lies the answer. However, what is the clarity and answer to the contradictory man who lives with a fleeting life in relation to creation, life and God? However, in this work, the author has tried to see life in relation to light. Optimism abounds here. A life lived with darkness, sorrow, separation and death in the background, is also engrossed in dance, engrossed in music. A person with what John Kittle calls a 'negative capability', that is, the capacity to imagine, can suspend reality for a moment, and enjoy a higher state of bliss. Momila's essays are celebrated on the foundation of this imagination. The

essays are divided into two sections — 'Existence Celebration' and 'Sensations'. The 'Existence-Celebration' section consists of fourteen essays, and they are thought-provoking presentations of arguments. In these essays, creator Momila presents her understanding on the question of how to live celebratoryly with the inevitable darkness such as shadow, sorrow and death, which are intertwined with life, but cannot be removed. In 'Rebellion of My Shadow and Rejected Adoption', she reflects on the dark side of history. However, people cannot be completely freed from the history that is connected with the past. So, he argues, and this is true, that one can get rid of suffering by fighting it. Standing in the background of his own history, he aims to create a new history so that the black page of history does not repeat itself, with which one can easily agree. His declaration is clear — "History should not end with the concession of the present."

essayist Momila also sees the light of creation and contemplation in relation to dark experiences such as death and inevitable shadows. In 'One evening exchange with Devkota', she has made a realistic grammar of Devkoto gradually pushing himself towards death despite giving the greatest creations. Essayist Momila bows to Devkota's insistence on 'risking art'. Similarly, he believes that the singer Fatteman created the beauty of Sheitbindu by singing songs of sorrow rather than happiness.

In the essay of the first volume, Momila has presented herself openly on the gender reality and the balance of joy and sorrow. Although the Creator is genderless, the human body left by the Creator is gender-relative. Born and raised in a patriarchal Nepali society, Momila also has the experience of being a victim of discrimination many times because she is a woman. Echoes of these experiences are indirectly expressed in some of his essays in this volume. In the essay titled 'Nayak's role in her...', she imagines a woman as the hero of her life. She says, 'She broke the puppet with her own hands and lit the fire. For she has come to love the flow of her own life, freed from the rusty classical bonds, more closely than the sanctity of private dreams and her own luminous sensibilities.' . In the essay titled 'Dear Characters in Existence - Festival 1', his guests are all women — Ibsen's Nora, Vijay Malla's Anuradha and his own alter ego, the Outsider. She envisions the self-confident presence of such female characters as symbols of female freedom and existence. Momila's crusade for gender equality is a characteristic of her writing.

The characters in Momila's essays never run away from suffering. He is not afraid of death because he is afraid. Instead, it observes the compelling beauty of life from the vantage point of suffering and death. In 'Death Beauty', she writes, 'I am drawn by the hypnosis of the same life with the exciting classical dance of changing colors and patterns of rose petals in the background of death...' He considers life as a combination of rocks and flowers, once again, to vote in favor of flowers. are standing This positivity is a clear change in his writing.

Momila loves the earth, which is full of suffering and the ravages of death, more than the imaginary heaven. After tearing up the green card of heaven and challenging God and returning to the earth, the stubborn earth-loving character in him says, 'It is wrong to share love, love, love, affection and harmony in this world. It is to feel the most beautiful poetry of this life, this world.' In another essay 'Before the morning' she says, 'But the stars suit the sky. In this sense, instead, I would like to come down to earth before dawn with the sound of June on a golden plate.'' In 'Questions remain...' he has a clear declaration - 'But, I don't want any heaven. I love the pain of your own earth, which you consider to be hellish.' This is Momila's bottom line in favor of earth and life.

The second section, i.e. 'Sensations', contains 9 small essays, and these are emotional essays. Momila has presented her creative concept in most of the essays in this section, which are addressed to the senses. Writing for him is a liberation ceremony, an undertaking of redemption. Insisting that she is on the journey of expression, seeking salvation in expression, she says, 'When the heart breaks and cries, the tears of her eyes become the best poems.' The most beautiful poems made in this way are poems of light. Whether it is a poem or an essay, writing for Momila is a salvation journey, where the ego is forbidden to enter, where the door is closed for self-proclaimed arrogant kings. Some readers may find these essays unintelligible because they stand on self-evident philosophies such as

existentialism and anomalousism. Those who are not used to decoding poetic and figurative language may not find the foundation of ground reality in his essays. Since these essays are based on dialogues with many characters from Eastern and Western creations and philosophies, the reader who is not very familiar with these characters and philosophers may become confused. Essays can also be accused of repeating a topic. However, the answer is with Momila - 'Questions remain...'.