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Buhari burden
JUN 28 -
When women get married and are sent to our in-laws’ home, we are no longer daughters; we become buharis-daughters-in-law. Upon receiving this new designation, we become distanced from our biological parents and we begin to feel disconnected from the home that gave us life from our birth to adulthood. I miss my mother and father much more these days than before marriage and when I talk to them on the telephone, I often feel like breaking down. I feel like flying to my mother’s arms. But I am forced to suppress these emotions in my new home.
As a buhari you become responsible for managing the affairs of your husband’s family. You should always show respect to your spouse’s parents, and when you meet your in-laws after an interval of a week, they expect you to touch their feet. When it comes time to eat a meal, though you may be very hungry, you are not the first person to eat. As others are eating you must ask them “Do you need water? What else do you need?” When the rest of the family has finished their meal, then finally your turn to eat has come. There may be little daal and curry left. The rice may be cold. But you are not to complain.
Whenever you are cuddled up in your husband’s embrace enjoying the warmth of his affection early in the morning, you may feel like sleeping late. But you are supposed to wake up earlier than your mother-in-law. First, you must fetch water from the tap and then coat the porch with cow dung. When your mother-in-law wakes up to find you working like this, she will smile for having been assisted in her chores. After this, you have to make tea and serve others before you are able to drink. In the day time, your spouse and in-laws may be watching television. You are not allowed to join them like in your maiti (mother’s house).
You must observe some decorum: do not laugh too loud, do not eat too much, do not leave your hair loose, do not wear jeans, do not stand in front of the in-laws, do not call your husband by his name, be polite to everyone, do not leave your hairline empty, put vermilion powder and so on. There are many other such things. It is in those moments that women miss the pre-marriage freedom of maiti. Modern women in city centres and towns may find what I have written funny; they may be able to get by without observing any of these social codes. Though they may defy their in-laws and live separately with their husbands, in villages these practices are all a part of sanskar (tradition).
After marriage women have to transform themselves completely. There are some hard lessons of life to be learned during this transformation. But unless in-laws and husbands are considerate, all this painful transformation will never be a joy but merely a burden. As for me, I am taking this test and I hope I will slowly learn to enjoy my buhari-hood.
Posted on: 2010-06-29 08:13
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